HSCI Marriage Series
The HSCI Marriage Series is a part of HSCI’s community service. It consists of marriage-related topics and services of contemporary interest authored by individuals with relevant experiences and background.
About Getting Married
The following sections are designed for couples anticipating or planning marriage. These highlight and summarize important considerations and areas of discussions before marriage. They emphasize the interplay of rich Hindu traditions and needs of the Hindu Diaspora in the USA. The list of critical conversation topics is part of the Marriage Series at Hindu Spiritual Care Institute or HSCI. The following three sections are offered in support of marriage, one of life’s most important and consequential decisions.
1: Critical Conversations Before Marriage
2: Considerations in an Interfaith Marriage
3: Hindu Wedding Ceremonies & Rituals
Prepared by the HSCI Marriage Forum
Punit Mahendru, Ph.D., Kailash Joshi Ph.D., Dilip Amin Ph.D., Shivani Hawkins J.D., Urmil Narang L.L.B., Pt. Neil Persad, and Nimit Thaker.
About Getting Married
The following sections are designed for couples anticipating or planning marriage. These highlight and summarize important considerations and areas of discussions before marriage. They emphasize the interplay of rich Hindu traditions and needs of the Hindu Diaspora in the USA. The list of critical conversation topics is part of the Marriage Series at Hindu Spiritual Care Institute or HSCI. The following three sections are offered in support of marriage, one of life’s most important and consequential decisions.
1: Critical Conversations Before Marriage
2: Considerations in an Interfaith Marriage
3: Hindu Wedding Ceremonies & Rituals
Prepared by the HSCI Marriage Forum
Punit Mahendru, Ph.D., Kailash Joshi Ph.D., Dilip Amin Ph.D., Shivani Hawkins J.D., Urmil Narang L.L.B., Pt. Neil Persad, and Nimit Thaker.
Spoken HSCI Hindu Marriage Guide
1. Critical Conversations Before Marriage
Congratulations on your decision to get married. It is wonderful that you have found a partner to share your life with. Living in close proximity with one another and interacting with each other’s families requires skill, consideration, negotiation, and compromise. It is important to have conversations around critical concerns. Some consideration and effort to discuss things ahead of time can help pave the way to a smooth and happy marital relationship. Some critical conversation topics are listed here:
Family Structure
It is a good idea to create a vision of what your family may look like. Give some thought to where you would like to settle down.
What if one person gets a great opportunity outside the state, would you be ready to move? Would both partners consider the other person’s career location before pursuing their own opportunity? Would you like to settle close to the family, if so where?
Children
If planning to have children, when would you like to start planning? How many children would each person like to have? What parenting styles from your own upbringing would you like to include and exclude in raising children? Who would stay home to care for children, would a nanny be sought from the very beginning, or would grandparents help out?
What language will the children speak, especially if both of you have a different first language? Would children follow any particular religion and if so, would they join any classes for the same?
Extended Family
Will you want close interactions with the extended family? How often would you like to see the in-laws? How would you like to split time with the two sets of parents during holidays and festivals?
In Indian homes parents usually stay with their children around childbirth and may spend several months supporting the new parents. Would you be comfortable if they came and spent several months with you? Frequently Indian parents are quite hands on while helping to care for newborns and think it their responsibility to advise the young parents. This could be viewed as interference by the partner.
Home and Living Arrangements
Many modern Hindus still conform to traditional gender roles. While the girls have been encouraged to be career focused, often the men have yet to step up their participation in household chores. Would you like the traditional structure of roles at home with women being responsible for kitchen and children or would you consider a more equitable role distribution? How will the chores be distributed?
Community Involvement
Traditionally Indians are a collectivistic culture, i.e. family is given a higher priority than an individual. Major life events are celebrated with extended family that includes cousins and family friends. Weekends are usually busy with some such celebration in the larger family group or the community. It is helpful to assess how much involvement with the larger community you wish to have. Are both of you on the same page, or does one of you desire greater social interaction?
Finances
Finances are a major cause of disagreement in marriages. It is helpful to consider how you will both share expenses. Will you commingle all your earnings, or would you prefer to have individual as well as joint accounts and use a joint account for household expenses? If one partner earns more than another, how will you split expenses? Other important considerations are respective Inheritances, and how these will be treated. Financial support of parents and extended families may also become important in some cases. An open and positive discussion about the need for a Prenuptial Agreement can also contribute towards clarity and understanding of present and future financial scenarios.
Disclosures
Transparency is important for trust. Being open about past relationships as well as significant medical and mental health history of your own as well as close blood relatives is important. Depression and mood disorders are heritable illnesses and also affect the marital relationship profoundly. Discussing these ahead of time can help you develop a plan for managing your relationship if and when these occur.
Approach to Conflict Resolution
Despite love and compatibility, conflicts will most certainly arise. As per Hinduism and other Eastern spiritual beliefs, marriage can be a vehicle for personal and spiritual growth. The partner holds up a mirror and the emerging conflicts become opportunities for spiritual development. Family patterns and dynamics replay themselves. Experiences of childhood related to family of origin get expressed in intimate relationships. It is important to be open to explore and understand these and have compassion for each other when these get played out. It is helpful to set aside a little time each week to discuss annoyances before they grow into resentment. It may be necessary to compromise to make decisions jointly. Schedule time for difficult conversations about each other’s family, finances, sex and more.
Friendship
Dating is a time when people see the best of each other. After marriage people put their guard down and forget to be respectful of each other. It is important to nurture friendship with each other. Each person needs to feel that they are their partner’s main priority and come before their work and their other relationships. However, each person also needs to support their partners' relationships with his or her parents.
Respect for Each Other and Each Others' Family
“Problem with in-laws” is touted as one of the main reasons of conflict in the family. In many traditional families the daughter is expected to conform to the family of her husband. Expectation that the daughter in-law will take care of husband as well as his family, is ingrained even in the most liberal families. Men consider it their responsibility to contribute to parents’ finances. On the other hand, women are either not permitted or frowned upon if they help their parents financially. This disparity is often a cause of conflict. It is important to decide to what degree the in-laws on both sides will be involved in important decision making within the new partnership. HSCI plans to expand its focus on the above conversations and provide resources, references as well as real-time counseling to the young couple entering matrimony.
Family Structure
It is a good idea to create a vision of what your family may look like. Give some thought to where you would like to settle down.
What if one person gets a great opportunity outside the state, would you be ready to move? Would both partners consider the other person’s career location before pursuing their own opportunity? Would you like to settle close to the family, if so where?
Children
If planning to have children, when would you like to start planning? How many children would each person like to have? What parenting styles from your own upbringing would you like to include and exclude in raising children? Who would stay home to care for children, would a nanny be sought from the very beginning, or would grandparents help out?
What language will the children speak, especially if both of you have a different first language? Would children follow any particular religion and if so, would they join any classes for the same?
Extended Family
Will you want close interactions with the extended family? How often would you like to see the in-laws? How would you like to split time with the two sets of parents during holidays and festivals?
In Indian homes parents usually stay with their children around childbirth and may spend several months supporting the new parents. Would you be comfortable if they came and spent several months with you? Frequently Indian parents are quite hands on while helping to care for newborns and think it their responsibility to advise the young parents. This could be viewed as interference by the partner.
Home and Living Arrangements
Many modern Hindus still conform to traditional gender roles. While the girls have been encouraged to be career focused, often the men have yet to step up their participation in household chores. Would you like the traditional structure of roles at home with women being responsible for kitchen and children or would you consider a more equitable role distribution? How will the chores be distributed?
Community Involvement
Traditionally Indians are a collectivistic culture, i.e. family is given a higher priority than an individual. Major life events are celebrated with extended family that includes cousins and family friends. Weekends are usually busy with some such celebration in the larger family group or the community. It is helpful to assess how much involvement with the larger community you wish to have. Are both of you on the same page, or does one of you desire greater social interaction?
Finances
Finances are a major cause of disagreement in marriages. It is helpful to consider how you will both share expenses. Will you commingle all your earnings, or would you prefer to have individual as well as joint accounts and use a joint account for household expenses? If one partner earns more than another, how will you split expenses? Other important considerations are respective Inheritances, and how these will be treated. Financial support of parents and extended families may also become important in some cases. An open and positive discussion about the need for a Prenuptial Agreement can also contribute towards clarity and understanding of present and future financial scenarios.
Disclosures
Transparency is important for trust. Being open about past relationships as well as significant medical and mental health history of your own as well as close blood relatives is important. Depression and mood disorders are heritable illnesses and also affect the marital relationship profoundly. Discussing these ahead of time can help you develop a plan for managing your relationship if and when these occur.
Approach to Conflict Resolution
Despite love and compatibility, conflicts will most certainly arise. As per Hinduism and other Eastern spiritual beliefs, marriage can be a vehicle for personal and spiritual growth. The partner holds up a mirror and the emerging conflicts become opportunities for spiritual development. Family patterns and dynamics replay themselves. Experiences of childhood related to family of origin get expressed in intimate relationships. It is important to be open to explore and understand these and have compassion for each other when these get played out. It is helpful to set aside a little time each week to discuss annoyances before they grow into resentment. It may be necessary to compromise to make decisions jointly. Schedule time for difficult conversations about each other’s family, finances, sex and more.
Friendship
Dating is a time when people see the best of each other. After marriage people put their guard down and forget to be respectful of each other. It is important to nurture friendship with each other. Each person needs to feel that they are their partner’s main priority and come before their work and their other relationships. However, each person also needs to support their partners' relationships with his or her parents.
Respect for Each Other and Each Others' Family
“Problem with in-laws” is touted as one of the main reasons of conflict in the family. In many traditional families the daughter is expected to conform to the family of her husband. Expectation that the daughter in-law will take care of husband as well as his family, is ingrained even in the most liberal families. Men consider it their responsibility to contribute to parents’ finances. On the other hand, women are either not permitted or frowned upon if they help their parents financially. This disparity is often a cause of conflict. It is important to decide to what degree the in-laws on both sides will be involved in important decision making within the new partnership. HSCI plans to expand its focus on the above conversations and provide resources, references as well as real-time counseling to the young couple entering matrimony.
2. Considerations in an Interfaith Marriage
Interfaith marriages are a new reality of life today, particularly for Hindus in America. Differences in faith can challenge a relationship. It is critical to make a fully informed decision to ensure a happy and successful married life. Belonging to different faiths in a marriage requires great compromise, open-mindedness, and acceptance. Some areas to consider are:
Wedding Ceremony
Wedding Expenses
What is your budget for the wedding and how do you plan to share it? Will one or both of your parents help pay for the wedding? If so, are you willing to invite their friends? Traditionally, a Hindu wedding is a community affair with extended family and friends being invited to the wedding. Failing to do so can cause feelings of shame and hurt amongst extended family members. How will you select a guest list that accommodates you and your parents’ invitees and create an expense plan for the same?
Parents of the Couple
In Hindu culture, it is common to visit children’s homes for extended periods of time. Parents visiting from India often stay for several months. The in-laws may offer advice about housekeeping, food preparation, make suggestions towards purchase of home, expenditures, child-rearing, and parenting. They consider it their duty to guide their adult children. Boundaries are not too firm. It will be necessary to discuss beforehand with each other what kind of accommodations you are able to make. Will you be able to have such discussions without harboring resentment towards your spouse or the in-laws?
Extended Family
Hindus, in fact, all Indians, have a close-knit family structure that includes extended family such as aunts, uncles, and cousins. First cousins are often considered like a sibling. Birthdays, traditional holidays, and ceremonies are celebrated with the entire extended family. As such, there may be a lot of time spent with the extended family on weekends and vacations. How will you accommodate such participation?
Financial Obligations
Will you be making religious contributions (in some cases, it could be 3-12% of your gross family income)? Would it be acceptable if your spouse also contributed to a charity equally? Amongst Hindus, elderly parents are the responsibility of the children. Will you be willing to care for the elderly parents of each other physically as well as financially, if necessary? How do you feel about each partner sending money home (India, if that is the case) to help the parents on a regular basis? Do you have a sum or percentage in mind that you would be comfortable with?
Religion at Home
What religion or religions will you follow at home? Would you be comfortable participating in each other’s ceremonies and if so to what extent? Will you be willing to accompany your spouse to temple, mosque, or church or offer prayers on occasions such as Diwali or Christmas? Are you comfortable with a Hindu God’s idol displayed in the home? What religion would you like the children to follow? If you plan to leave it to children when they enter adulthood, how will you manage grandparents sharing religious stories and traditions with them?
Rites of Passage
Will the children be required to go through any religion-based practices as in rites of passage such as baptism, circumcision or bar mitzvah? Would that not mean that they would then be inducted into that religion? Will it be ok to raise your children in two faiths?
Support During Crisis
If a family crisis should arise, who would you reach out to? Would it be family elders, close friends, pastor, priest or rabbi? Alternatively, if parents become ill or disabled, would you be willing to support them? Can they come and live with you?
Food at Home
Food nourishes more than the body and often anchors socialization. Will one or both of you take on the responsibility of cooking and related chores? What kind of food and diet will be followed at home? Is either one of you a vegetarian or vegan? It is one thing to eat an Indian meal once in a while, however, when Indian partner’s parents visit, they may opt for Indian food each day. Will you be able to make the necessary adjustments? What are your considerations regarding use of alcohol at home?
These are some questions and areas of conversations you may have or there may be other situations, specific to you. HSCI has interfaith consultants and counselors who you may reach out to in due course of time to address such situations.
Wedding Ceremony
- What kind of wedding ceremony or ceremonies do you envision?
- Will one of you want to have a Hindu wedding and/or a wedding ceremony of a different faith?
- Will the wedding ceremony require one of you to convert to a different faith? Are you willing to change your religion, even in a namesake?
- Which of the several wedding rituals and ceremonies are you comfortable with?
- In a Hindu wedding, participation of extended family is built into the wedding ceremony. Will you be comfortable with uncles and cousins playing important roles in your wedding?
Wedding Expenses
What is your budget for the wedding and how do you plan to share it? Will one or both of your parents help pay for the wedding? If so, are you willing to invite their friends? Traditionally, a Hindu wedding is a community affair with extended family and friends being invited to the wedding. Failing to do so can cause feelings of shame and hurt amongst extended family members. How will you select a guest list that accommodates you and your parents’ invitees and create an expense plan for the same?
Parents of the Couple
In Hindu culture, it is common to visit children’s homes for extended periods of time. Parents visiting from India often stay for several months. The in-laws may offer advice about housekeeping, food preparation, make suggestions towards purchase of home, expenditures, child-rearing, and parenting. They consider it their duty to guide their adult children. Boundaries are not too firm. It will be necessary to discuss beforehand with each other what kind of accommodations you are able to make. Will you be able to have such discussions without harboring resentment towards your spouse or the in-laws?
Extended Family
Hindus, in fact, all Indians, have a close-knit family structure that includes extended family such as aunts, uncles, and cousins. First cousins are often considered like a sibling. Birthdays, traditional holidays, and ceremonies are celebrated with the entire extended family. As such, there may be a lot of time spent with the extended family on weekends and vacations. How will you accommodate such participation?
Financial Obligations
Will you be making religious contributions (in some cases, it could be 3-12% of your gross family income)? Would it be acceptable if your spouse also contributed to a charity equally? Amongst Hindus, elderly parents are the responsibility of the children. Will you be willing to care for the elderly parents of each other physically as well as financially, if necessary? How do you feel about each partner sending money home (India, if that is the case) to help the parents on a regular basis? Do you have a sum or percentage in mind that you would be comfortable with?
Religion at Home
What religion or religions will you follow at home? Would you be comfortable participating in each other’s ceremonies and if so to what extent? Will you be willing to accompany your spouse to temple, mosque, or church or offer prayers on occasions such as Diwali or Christmas? Are you comfortable with a Hindu God’s idol displayed in the home? What religion would you like the children to follow? If you plan to leave it to children when they enter adulthood, how will you manage grandparents sharing religious stories and traditions with them?
Rites of Passage
Will the children be required to go through any religion-based practices as in rites of passage such as baptism, circumcision or bar mitzvah? Would that not mean that they would then be inducted into that religion? Will it be ok to raise your children in two faiths?
Support During Crisis
If a family crisis should arise, who would you reach out to? Would it be family elders, close friends, pastor, priest or rabbi? Alternatively, if parents become ill or disabled, would you be willing to support them? Can they come and live with you?
Food at Home
Food nourishes more than the body and often anchors socialization. Will one or both of you take on the responsibility of cooking and related chores? What kind of food and diet will be followed at home? Is either one of you a vegetarian or vegan? It is one thing to eat an Indian meal once in a while, however, when Indian partner’s parents visit, they may opt for Indian food each day. Will you be able to make the necessary adjustments? What are your considerations regarding use of alcohol at home?
These are some questions and areas of conversations you may have or there may be other situations, specific to you. HSCI has interfaith consultants and counselors who you may reach out to in due course of time to address such situations.
3. Hindu Wedding Ceremony and Rituals
The Hindu wedding ceremony is unique in that it does not require anyone to change their religious faith. The main rituals date back several thousand years, as cited in the Rig Veda.
HSCI acknowledges that different regions in India have many similar and some dissimilar ceremonies. Often, ceremonies may be similar but bear a different name. In this document significant information is sourced from www.geetasociety.org.
The main ceremony is performed in a “Mandap” or decorated gazebo-like structure and must include the ceremonial fire or (Agni), which serves as a divine witness of the sacred bond between the couple. Kanyadan, Saat phere and Panigrahan, described below are common amongst almost all Hindu communities. Others may vary in their expression from region to region. The main elements of the wedding day rituals are:
Swagatam (Welcome)
The groom is welcomed by the bride’s mother and escorted to the ‘Mandap’ or ceremonial stage for the wedding ceremony. In the Southern states of India, the bride’s mother washes the groom's feet in a ritual known as Pada puja.
Ganesh Puja (Invocation of Ganesha)
Worship of Lord Ganesh, the deity who is worshipped at the beginning of any important event to bless the ceremony and remove any obstacles. Lord Ganesha’s worship is believed to bless the young couple with a happy married life, and clear obstacles from their path as they progress in life.
Madhurparka (Offering Honey and Yogurt)
A mixture of yogurt and honey is offered to the groom by the bride's parents. This mixture of Honey and yogurt is considered to be very auspicious and refreshing. The groom prays for sweetness, love and good health in married life.
Jaimala (Garland)
The bride is escorted to the mandap (gazebo like main structure). Her sisters and friends accompany her. The bride and groom garland each other, indicating their voluntary acceptance of each other and of the ensuing marriage ceremony. This ceremony is called ‘Malai Maatral’ in the Southern states of India.
Kanyadan (Giving away of the Bride)
This is equivalent to “giving away of the bride” by her parents to the groom. The father of the bride takes her right hand and places it in the groom’s right hand and blesses their union. Vedic hymns are chanted during this process invoking divine blessings.
Yagna or Havan (Sacred Fire)
The sacred ceremonial fire is lit. Vedic hymns are recited and the bride and groom offer ghee (purified butter) and sacred herbs (Havan Samagri) to the sacred fire. The blessings of the nine planetary bodies are sought for peace and harmony.
Gath Bandhan (Tying the knot)
The bride and groom’s stoles are tied into a knot by the groom’s sister. This nuptial knot symbolizes the unbreakable commitment between the two individuals. Tied within the knot are a coin, turmeric, rice, flower and durva(Bermuda grass). The groom’s sister ties the knot symbolizing acceptance of the bride by the whole family.
Shila Arohan (Placing the foot on a rock)
The bride's brothers assist the bride to place her foot on a rock (Shila) and vow to be firm as a rock in her commitment to the groom. The groom prays to God to bless her with stability, and steadfastness in their married life.
Pani Grahan (Taking the Hand)
The groom takes the bride’s hands (pani) in his hands and they both promise unconditional love, respect and devotion and togetherness throughout their lives. The vows they take are for peace, happiness, harmony, mutual understanding, raising children well and creating a happy family unit.
Saat Phere (Seven Steps or Circumambulations Around the Sacred Fire)
Saat phere or seven circumambulations around the sacred fire is one of the main ceremonies common to almost all Hindu weddings across India. Different regions may have minor variations however. The groom holds the bride's hand with his right hand and together they go around the sacred fire seven times. They seek the blessings of Lord Vishnu (the sustainer of the universe) and his consort Goddess Lakshmi (goddess of wealth and prosperity). With each circumambulation they seek the following blessings:
Facing East, the bride and groom pray to the sun (Surya Narayan) for a long healthy life together. Then they look at the polar star (dhruva) which is always steady in the sky and pray for steadfastness in their married life.
Sindoor and Mangal Sutra (Vermillon Powder and Bridal Necklace)
The groom places sindoor (vermilion powder) in the bride's hair parting and welcomes her as his eternal partner. Seven married women assist the groom and are asked to bless the new bride. This red powder is a symbol of a woman being married. The groom also ties a chain with a pendant called ‘thali’ (as in southern Indian states) or black and gold bead chain called mangal sutra around the woman’s neck.
Ashirwad (Blessings)
The priest offers benediction to the couple. The couple's family, relatives and friends bless the couple and offer them saffron colored rice and flowers. They wish them peace, happiness, joy and prosperity. The priest chants Vedic mantras during this time invoking blessings of the divine.
In addition to the main Vedic marriage ceremony as described above, there may be other traditions in a particular community or social structure that are included in the wedding celebration. Ceremonies that often take place before the main marriage ceremony are listed here:
Sangeet (Community Music and Dance)
Many Hindus have an evening of singing and dancing one or two days prior to the wedding. Traditionally it has been an event for women of the family. These days men often participate as well. The bride and the groom may have their own Sangeet separately but in modern times, often combine it.
Mehndi (Henna)
The bride's palms are decorated with henna. Close family women also have henna put on their hands. In modern times when Sangeet has morphed into a function in its own right, henna for women is combined with Sangeet while the bride has hers done beforehand so she can participate in the Sangeet ceremony.
Haldi (Turmeric)
A paste of turmeric (haldi), sandalwood and oil is applied to the bride and the groom by their immediate family and close friends the morning of the wedding day (or sooner). It symbolizes the beautification of the bride and groom in preparation for their big day.
Chura (Bangle Ceremony)
Before the bride dresses up for the Vedic ceremony, her uncles and family members place bangles on her wrist. Mother’s brother places the bangles first and gifts the bride bangles and clothes from her maternal grandparents.
Tilak or Sagan (Sacred Mark on Forehead)
This ceremony signifies the first step towards the bonding of the couple and their two families. There are many variations of this ceremony in different parts of India. Frequently the male members of the bride's family visit the groom and put ‘kumkum’, a red powder on groom's forehead and give him gifts.
Some of the following ceremonies are performed after the wedding:
Bidai (Farewell)
The event marks the completion of the wedding and the bride throws back five handfuls of rice over her head signifying that she is returning back what she has been given by her parents. Brothers and cousins push the vehicle she leaves in, symbolizing their support as the bride starts her new life with her husband. This is an emotional event for the bride and her family.
Gruha Pravesh (Welcoming into the new home)
The new bride is welcomed by the groom's family. She may be asked to push a jar filled with rice with her right toe or place her feet in a red semi liquid mixture, and then step into the groom's house. There are variations along the different state lines.
Reception
An event hosted by the groom's family to introduce the newly married couple to their side of family and community.
While these are the main ceremonies, some other rituals and traditions may be observed in different communities. Uncles, aunts, sisters, brothers, all have a distinct role in the wedding ceremony thus honoring the collective nature of Hindu tradition.
HSCI acknowledges that different regions in India have many similar and some dissimilar ceremonies. Often, ceremonies may be similar but bear a different name. In this document significant information is sourced from www.geetasociety.org.
The main ceremony is performed in a “Mandap” or decorated gazebo-like structure and must include the ceremonial fire or (Agni), which serves as a divine witness of the sacred bond between the couple. Kanyadan, Saat phere and Panigrahan, described below are common amongst almost all Hindu communities. Others may vary in their expression from region to region. The main elements of the wedding day rituals are:
Swagatam (Welcome)
The groom is welcomed by the bride’s mother and escorted to the ‘Mandap’ or ceremonial stage for the wedding ceremony. In the Southern states of India, the bride’s mother washes the groom's feet in a ritual known as Pada puja.
Ganesh Puja (Invocation of Ganesha)
Worship of Lord Ganesh, the deity who is worshipped at the beginning of any important event to bless the ceremony and remove any obstacles. Lord Ganesha’s worship is believed to bless the young couple with a happy married life, and clear obstacles from their path as they progress in life.
Madhurparka (Offering Honey and Yogurt)
A mixture of yogurt and honey is offered to the groom by the bride's parents. This mixture of Honey and yogurt is considered to be very auspicious and refreshing. The groom prays for sweetness, love and good health in married life.
Jaimala (Garland)
The bride is escorted to the mandap (gazebo like main structure). Her sisters and friends accompany her. The bride and groom garland each other, indicating their voluntary acceptance of each other and of the ensuing marriage ceremony. This ceremony is called ‘Malai Maatral’ in the Southern states of India.
Kanyadan (Giving away of the Bride)
This is equivalent to “giving away of the bride” by her parents to the groom. The father of the bride takes her right hand and places it in the groom’s right hand and blesses their union. Vedic hymns are chanted during this process invoking divine blessings.
Yagna or Havan (Sacred Fire)
The sacred ceremonial fire is lit. Vedic hymns are recited and the bride and groom offer ghee (purified butter) and sacred herbs (Havan Samagri) to the sacred fire. The blessings of the nine planetary bodies are sought for peace and harmony.
Gath Bandhan (Tying the knot)
The bride and groom’s stoles are tied into a knot by the groom’s sister. This nuptial knot symbolizes the unbreakable commitment between the two individuals. Tied within the knot are a coin, turmeric, rice, flower and durva(Bermuda grass). The groom’s sister ties the knot symbolizing acceptance of the bride by the whole family.
Shila Arohan (Placing the foot on a rock)
The bride's brothers assist the bride to place her foot on a rock (Shila) and vow to be firm as a rock in her commitment to the groom. The groom prays to God to bless her with stability, and steadfastness in their married life.
Pani Grahan (Taking the Hand)
The groom takes the bride’s hands (pani) in his hands and they both promise unconditional love, respect and devotion and togetherness throughout their lives. The vows they take are for peace, happiness, harmony, mutual understanding, raising children well and creating a happy family unit.
Saat Phere (Seven Steps or Circumambulations Around the Sacred Fire)
Saat phere or seven circumambulations around the sacred fire is one of the main ceremonies common to almost all Hindu weddings across India. Different regions may have minor variations however. The groom holds the bride's hand with his right hand and together they go around the sacred fire seven times. They seek the blessings of Lord Vishnu (the sustainer of the universe) and his consort Goddess Lakshmi (goddess of wealth and prosperity). With each circumambulation they seek the following blessings:
- In their first round they seek blessings of Isha, the divine mother, goddess of nourishment and vow to nourish each other.
- In the second round the couple seeks blessings for good physical, emotional and spiritual health. They vow to be each other’s strength.
- In the third round they seek blessings for wealth and prosperity earned by righteous means. They wow that they will share the happiness and pain together and be faithful to each other.
- In the fourth round the couple prays to God for an increase in love and respect for each other and their respective families.
- In the fifth round the couple seeks blessings for healthy and noble children.
- In the sixth round the couple seeks blessings for the seasonal things of life and pray that they may enjoy all seasons together.
- In the seventh round they seek blessings for mutual love, faith, respect, and loyalty as well as pray for the peace of the universe.
Facing East, the bride and groom pray to the sun (Surya Narayan) for a long healthy life together. Then they look at the polar star (dhruva) which is always steady in the sky and pray for steadfastness in their married life.
Sindoor and Mangal Sutra (Vermillon Powder and Bridal Necklace)
The groom places sindoor (vermilion powder) in the bride's hair parting and welcomes her as his eternal partner. Seven married women assist the groom and are asked to bless the new bride. This red powder is a symbol of a woman being married. The groom also ties a chain with a pendant called ‘thali’ (as in southern Indian states) or black and gold bead chain called mangal sutra around the woman’s neck.
Ashirwad (Blessings)
The priest offers benediction to the couple. The couple's family, relatives and friends bless the couple and offer them saffron colored rice and flowers. They wish them peace, happiness, joy and prosperity. The priest chants Vedic mantras during this time invoking blessings of the divine.
In addition to the main Vedic marriage ceremony as described above, there may be other traditions in a particular community or social structure that are included in the wedding celebration. Ceremonies that often take place before the main marriage ceremony are listed here:
Sangeet (Community Music and Dance)
Many Hindus have an evening of singing and dancing one or two days prior to the wedding. Traditionally it has been an event for women of the family. These days men often participate as well. The bride and the groom may have their own Sangeet separately but in modern times, often combine it.
Mehndi (Henna)
The bride's palms are decorated with henna. Close family women also have henna put on their hands. In modern times when Sangeet has morphed into a function in its own right, henna for women is combined with Sangeet while the bride has hers done beforehand so she can participate in the Sangeet ceremony.
Haldi (Turmeric)
A paste of turmeric (haldi), sandalwood and oil is applied to the bride and the groom by their immediate family and close friends the morning of the wedding day (or sooner). It symbolizes the beautification of the bride and groom in preparation for their big day.
Chura (Bangle Ceremony)
Before the bride dresses up for the Vedic ceremony, her uncles and family members place bangles on her wrist. Mother’s brother places the bangles first and gifts the bride bangles and clothes from her maternal grandparents.
Tilak or Sagan (Sacred Mark on Forehead)
This ceremony signifies the first step towards the bonding of the couple and their two families. There are many variations of this ceremony in different parts of India. Frequently the male members of the bride's family visit the groom and put ‘kumkum’, a red powder on groom's forehead and give him gifts.
Some of the following ceremonies are performed after the wedding:
Bidai (Farewell)
The event marks the completion of the wedding and the bride throws back five handfuls of rice over her head signifying that she is returning back what she has been given by her parents. Brothers and cousins push the vehicle she leaves in, symbolizing their support as the bride starts her new life with her husband. This is an emotional event for the bride and her family.
Gruha Pravesh (Welcoming into the new home)
The new bride is welcomed by the groom's family. She may be asked to push a jar filled with rice with her right toe or place her feet in a red semi liquid mixture, and then step into the groom's house. There are variations along the different state lines.
Reception
An event hosted by the groom's family to introduce the newly married couple to their side of family and community.
While these are the main ceremonies, some other rituals and traditions may be observed in different communities. Uncles, aunts, sisters, brothers, all have a distinct role in the wedding ceremony thus honoring the collective nature of Hindu tradition.